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A Dude’s Guide to Valentines Day Success

A Dude’s Guide to Valentines Day Success

Valentines Day: How to Nail It.

Dear Men,

I have previously written about Valentines Day to your wives and girlfriends in an attempt to make things easier on you. I encouraged your wives to not be so specific about their expectations for VDay (and other holidays) and I have written to them to point out how they could indeed make this romantic holiday special for you, as well. After all, romance should not be one-sided. I wrote both of these to help you out, cut you some slack, and generally endear your significant others to you. You’re welcome. 🙂

Now, I want to turn my attention directly to you and offer you some specific help with this single purpose:
HOW YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY NAIL VALENTINES DAY THIS YEAR!

You’re probably thinking…Allison…it’s not even February 13th yet…why are we even talking about this? (A few of you are actually a step behind thinking…wait…when is Valentines Day this year?! It’s April 1st. Same as last year.)

Let’s be real; in all likelihood, your wife or long-time girlfriend sent you this post.

I know the drill. I will be brief. I will be direct. If you do what I say, I’ll set you up for *ahem* “success.”

Sure. You could skirt by another year with Circle K chocolate and a single rose while ordering Papa Johns from the comfort of your couch, fingers crossed that you’ve done enough for things to end in your favor. But WHAT IF you stepped your game up just a bit, and enjoyed the benefit of being the guy who gets bragged about on February 15.

Steps to NAILING Valentines Day:

  1. Start today. Listen, you don’t actually have to do anything today. You just need to casually mention, “I’ve been thinking about what we could do to celebrate Valentines Day together this year…” …and then don’t say anything else. Trust me. Less is more. All you have to do is plant the seed of expectation. Just the simple fact that it’s already crossed your mind will be enough to blow her mind. You are already winning! Congratulations.
  2. Make a reservation. To do ANYTHING. It doesn’t have to be dinner. It could be that you buy a movie ticket in advance. Schedule her an appointment to get her nails done. Sure…a reservation for dinner works, too. It doesn’t matter what it is really. Just schedule ANYTHING in advance. In this simple move you are silently conquering the “you just through this together on your way home from work” argument. It’s really the forethought and intentionality that matters. (And all the women said, “AMEN!”)
  3. Buy or do something that SHE enjoyed when you first met. This could be as simple as making a playlist of old songs she used to love, taking her to an old hangout, watching an old movie you saw together. It doesn’t have to be expensive for fancy. (But it’s fine if it is.) Just have it ready for the big day. It’s really just the thoughtfulness that gets you the points. My husband would say, “nostalgia is a real panty dropper.” So…you’re welcome for that. He’s a poet.
  4. Remove distractions. Whenever you plan to celebrate Valentines Day (the weekend before or after is totally a fine option, in my opinion, just as long as she knows in advance), do yourself a favor and remove distractions so your wife won’t get in her head. Take the kids to Grandma’s house. Hire a cleaning lady to make the house look nice. Think of whatever it that she seems to consider of urgent importance, and make sure that’s taken care of, so at the end of your celebration, she will be able to remain present with you, instead of hopping into all the busyness of household duties.

Ok…as simple as most of this is, it’s all that it will really take for her to think you’re 10 feet tall this Valentines Day. You can get fancy “above and beyond” all you want. But these elements will set you up for success: expectation, thoughtfulness, nostalgia. Have fun…make it your own. Rather than let Valentines Day give you a sense of dread or that you’ve failed…change it up just a bit and enjoy the fruit of your labor!

YOU’RE WELCOME. 🙂

Oh, and while I have you, men, let me tell you this: I have a very special, very specific “talk” that I give wives when it comes to libido and the importance of sex. I’m like Liam Neeson. I have a special set of skills, therapeutically speaking. If this is a pep talk, training, or treatment plan that you’d like your wife to have, send her my way! Here are some of my thoughts on the topic but I’d be glad to discuss a specific plan in my counseling office in Walker or Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

A Wife’s Guide to Valentine’s Day Success

Why Valentines Day, Mothers Day and your Birthday became your worst days of the year…and how to fix it.

After counseling hundreds of clients over the last ten years, I’ve picked up more than a few quirky insights into American marriages. One of them is this: nothing brings on a good fight like a big one-sided holiday. I’m talking Valentine’s Day, Mothers Day, and your birthday.

Let me explain… Christmas is easy because you can focus on others. Other people’s birthdays or special holidays aren’t an issue because you are in the giving role. But one-sided holidays tend to reek havoc on a woman’s sense of relational satisfaction.

In two words:
Unmet Expectations.

Wives, does this sound familiar? Your first holiday in the relationship was probably pretty painless. Maybe even enjoyable. You weren’t sure what to expect and men usually take the occasion to show off. This trend often continues through dating and engagement.

It’s the first big holiday after you’re married that tends to fall a little flat. Expectations have been set by this point. You’re expecting the celebration to have taken some planning or a degree of thoughtfulness…like he did when you were dating.
Instead, you get gifts bought on the way home and an invite to eat “wherever you’d like.”
The result: you probably resemble a cross between the hungry velociraptor from Jurassic Park and Medusa before her morning coffee.

Your strategy: You take matters into your own hands and instruct. This is the “let me teach you how to be awesome at gift giving like I am” move. For Father’s Day or his birthday you plan the most amazing gift he’d never even dream of fulfilling for himself. You think (or even say? Bless your heart), “see how easy this is?! Just PLAN! Just PAY ATTENTION to what I like.”

Next holiday, the assumption is, “surely he learned his lesson from last time and plus I taught him how to do it since then.”
The result: he didn’t remember or take your instruction. Rage blackout…take 2.

Your strategy: For the next holiday, you try to get out ahead of it. You think, “I will tell him exactly what I want him to do so that I won’t be so disappointed.” Still shell shocked from last time, he thinks, “she doesn’t want EXACTLY what she said…there’d be no surprise.” Or perhaps the more classic, “I don’t want to be told how to love my wife. I will give her what I want to give her.”
The result: that random coffee mug you mentioned liking at Starbucks one time last summer. You aren’t even drinking hot coffee anymore. You only drink cold brew because of the low acidity is better for your IBS. Hasn’t he noticed you stopped drinking hot coffee?!?!

The next holiday…if you make it that far…you decide to proactively kill off the part of you that wants attention. You say, “just don’t buy me anything.”
The result: he knows that’s a trick. He buys you another coffee mug. Because he still doesn’t remember that you don’t drink hot coffee any more, he just remembers that last time he bought you a mug you liked from before and that makes him feel smart. He doesn’t remember the other mug fiasco. For him, that situation just went into the category of “vague sense of failure and disappointment.”
The result: sobbing for a month. Your poor IBS. The coffee mug symbolizes all that is wrong in your marriage and the world at large.

Henceforth, you will find other things to do on holidays that are supposed to be about you or you continue in vain to kill off that part of you that still hopes for him to finally come through on these special events. You disengage to self-protect. (This feels like a safe move but it only leads to isolation.) When the holidays roll around, no one makes any sudden moves and the day comes and goes with a sense of frustration, loneliness, dread, and resentments going both ways. “I can’t ever make her happy. Nothing I do is good enough. Her expectations are like moving targets. I might as well not even try.”

Here’s how to fix it.

  • Meet efforts with enthusiasm.
    • Appreciate the small things.
  • Understand that you’re not married to a woman so he’s never going to think and feel like you do. And that’s ok.
    • Different isn’t wrong.
  • Find something to praise. You’ll get more of it.
    • If a man feels like a failure in what he’s already attempting to do for you, why would he take the risk of doing even more? He doesn’t want to feel like a bigger failure and disappointment. Instead, he will do less. This serves to protect himself and the relationship from further injury. The more you criticize, the more you encourage this mindset. Praise works the opposite way.
  • Approximations of the goals count.
    • You won’t see a total transformation in one step. But steps towards the desired outcome count for a lot and should be praised accordingly. Praise in a way he’ll remember. 😉 You’ll ease up the tensions and focus on the positive between the two of you. Before you know it, your bad gift giver will be unafraid to put efforts in because you have changed the environment by being pleased with his attempts. That’s key. If you can arrive at this sweet spot, things will only get progressively better.

A man who already feels like he’s made you happy will want to do more to make you happy.
A man who feels like he’s already disappointed you won’t do anything more because he won’t risk feeling more like a disappointment than he already feels.

So this Valentine’s Day, capitalize on praise in the small things, a positive attitude, and finding a memorable way to encourage his efforts. It’s good for your man. It’s good for your relationship. It’s good for you.

Contact me for any relationship or individual counseling needs. Offices in Walker and Baton Rouge.

Photo credit goes to my friend, Katie Barnett of Vivid Dream Photography, LLC

Love Your Man Well This Valentine’s Day

Ladies…let’s be honest…on Valentine’s Day, our gender comes out on top. Most of pop-culture’s energy is geared at the women being the main recipients of the planning, attention, gifts and thoughtfulness of February 14. While that’s all fine and good, and I hope you are appreciated on this day and the 365 other days this year, I’d like to take a minute to discuss how we, as women, can love our men well on this special occasion. Here is a list of ways you can give your man the kind of adoration he really needs from you on Valentine/s Day.

  • Be extra gracious in appreciating his efforts to love on you. Even if it’s the restaurant you go to all the time. Even if it’s not your favorite type of flower. Even if you’re on a diet and he brought chocolates. Be as thrilled with his efforts as you were when you started dating. Even if you question how much he’s trying! In this way, you are reminding him that he can make you happy AND increasing the odds that he’ll try again soon. Dig deep and judge not!
  • Go out of your way to make his day smooth and convenient for him. Men tend to interpret this as a sign of respect and care. Brew his coffee. Pack his lunch. Have his favorite shirt ready. Find his keys before he asks. This type of “help” is often what men anticipate from a “help mate.” And, as in a lot of things, getting back to basics never hurts.
  • Show him preference. Whether it’s preference above yourself, above your kids, above housework, above your employer…however you can do it…make it clear that you value him first. There are a million tiny ways to do this and I’m sure a few come to mind even now. It’s a small shift that I guarantee he’ll notice. This tends to be a need that men have that they find difficult to articulate, but that comes up in counseling quite often as something they deeply desire.
  • Mind your tone and curb the criticism. While having a sharp tone and being critical are entirely different behaviors, they seem to erode men’s motivation in a similar way. Both are habits that require awareness and self-control to break, and if you struggle with these, you won’t see transformation in just one day. But if you make an effort to increase your awareness (consider inviting him in on your new goal!) and softening things up a bit, your energy will most certainly be noticed. I feel myself stepping up to a soapbox, but I’ll save the rest for a different post! The bottom line is: men just want their women to be happy. A very heavy (un-motivating) weight falls on them if they sense your disapproval. A great Valentines Day gift to your husband is the knowledge that he still has the ability to make you happy, even in his imperfections. Having a gracious tone and saving your complaints for another day will go a long way to pass the message along. (If you struggle with tone and criticism, I’d love to talk to you about it! Set up a time to come in so we can figure out how to get your needs met without resorting to these unnecessary communication tactics.)
  • Consider his love language when picking out a “gift” for him. What do you see him doing the most for those he cares about? Acts of service? Quality time? Physical affection? Gifts? Words of affirmation? A combination? Whatever you see him doing often for those he loves, do something thoughtful for him that fits his preferred category. This will ensure that your efforts are not wasted on something that would be a big deal to you but doesn’t register much for him at all (and thus avoid the Great Valentine’s Day Fight of 2016).

Well there you have it. A great list on how to turn the tables and make this Valentine’s Day one where deep respect and appreciation are communicated. Those gifts go far beyond a 24 hour period and anything you could buy at the store! Best of luck in all your Valentine’s Day endeavors!