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Low Sex Drive and How to Fix It

A Sexy Series: Part Three
When You Don’t Desire Sex.

So far we took a quick look at the types of sexual issues people want to work through in counseling as well as tips to set your relationship up for a win/win sexually.

Today I want to look at what some might call low libido, lack of sexual desire or low sex drive. When you’re not wanting to have sex, here are some of the usual suspects…

Reasons why we SAY we say “no” to sex.

  1. We are tired.
  2. We are stressed.
  3. We have a headache.
  4. We ate too much Chinese food. ūüôā

It’s absolutely ok to say “no” from time to time for whatever reason you so choose. The problem comes when you turn down perfectly good sex almost as a default, without considering your motivation for doing so or the impact of the choice on your relationship.

Reasons why we REALLY say “no” to sex.

  1. Emotional hang-ups.
    • Depression.
      • One of the DSM-V diagnostic criteria for depression is loss of interest or pleasure. Maybe your disinterest in sex has more to do with your mental health than anything else? Depression is a road that doesn’t have to be walked alone, and dealing with this issue may truly open you up to a wealth of possibilities that will positively effect both you and your partner.
    • Unprocessed negative experiences in your past might still be present.
      • This may be a sexual trauma or just feelings of guilt for one reason or another. Either way, it is something that can be addressed in counseling and there’s just no reason why your past needs to cast a dark shadow on what could be a dynamic and healthy physical relationship with your spouse.
  2. Relational hang-ups.
    • Power struggle. “That’s all he wants me for.” “He isn’t doing what I need so why should I do what he needs?” If you’re in at standoff in terms of desiring to meet each other’s needs, one things for sure: everybody loses. Change the tone of your relationship and focus on meeting the other’s needs. Something magical happens. Everyone’s needs are met with enthusiasm…without anyone having to demand.
    • Not really “feeling it” towards your spouse. Maybe your love has gone a little cold and you don’t thrill at your spouse’s touch like you used to. This solution can typically be found in one of two places: your prayer life or your self-talk. Both of those generally require some specific coaching and I’d love to talk with you more about this in person.
  3. Physical hang-ups.
    • Technique issues.
      • If you didn’t know by now…sex is not like you see on TV. Sorry. Whether it’s a communication issue or a mechanics/technique issue, there are a lot of really great resources available to help you get past what is holding you back.
    • You’re not happy with your body.
      • Body image issues can definitely do a number on libido. Ultimately, it all boils down to two choices: come up with a plan to get happy about what you’re working with or come up with a plan to do something about it. I can definitely help you out with one of these and have some great resources to help you figure out the other. For starters, these friends of mine.
    • Hormonal issues.
      • Pregnancy, postpartum, pre-menopausal, post-menopausal…all these reasons and more can cause a big shift in libido. Talk to your doctor. There may be an easier solution than you think.
    • Medication side-effect.
      • Everyone is different and it’s hard to trace back which medication might be effecting your sex drive. Your doctor will be very helpful towards this end. For most issues, there are so many options of medications available, it may be as simple as just taking a different birth control pill. For real, ask your doctor. Could be a super easy fix.
    • Pain/Discomfort during sex.
      • There are a few physical conditions (both male and female) which can result in painful intercourse. Each situation is so vastly different, I’m not able to expound upon this point here. But, many can find relief through a team approach between a physician and a therapist.
  4. Spiritual hang ups.
    • Trouble associating sexuality as a pure gift from heaven.
      • For the purposes of this blog, I won’t unpack this much. But suffice it to say: God is pro-sex and if that weirds you out, let’s talk.
  5. Kid sleep habits.
    • Whether you have to fall asleep with your kids to get them to stay in bed, or they start off or end up sleeping in your bed, this can really mess with your sex life. The resolution of this issue isn’t a quick fix, but we can figure out the steps it would take to alleviate this problem. Whether it’s an attachment issue or just a bad habit, we can find solutions that result in happier and healthier bedtime dynamics.
    • Also, and this is not a joke but is a little funny to me…you’d be surprised at how many clients I’ve had that cite “dogs in the bed” as a mood killer! Seriously, Rufus doesn’t need to know everything that goes on in the house. ūüėČ
  6. Boundary Issues.
    • Pornography/masturbation.
      • You and your partner both deserve to be clear on what the boundaries are in your sex life. “Solutions” you’ve come up with over the years may be causing more problems than you’re aware of. I have some pretty clear and easy boundaries that I suggest for most couples, and they leave room for a lot of awesomeness to be had, while elevating the union to its proper, amazingly sacred place.
    • Not being totally closed off to other suitors.
      • What you may see as an innocent flirtation or even being open to the approach of other people is a vote for “the grass is greener” mentality. If you didn’t know already, the grass is greener where you water it. When you water it, the more you’ll love the luscious lawn you have.

The big picture: sex was designed to be awesome. If it’s anything less for you and your partner, don’t take it lying down. Let’s talk.

The Ongoing Gifts of the Flood of 2016

The flood gave and the flood took away.

Are you currently rebuilding your house? So many of us in the greater Baton Rouge area (my family included) are still waist¬†deep in the process of rebuilding our flooded homes. We’re now six months post-flood…which in some ways seems like a lifetime ago but some aspects will always seem like they happened yesterday.

The Flood Gave.

At Spring Life Counseling, LLC I am still seeing a big influx of clients for whom the flood was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The flood waters either exacerbated pre-existing issues beyond people’s ability to cope, or it exposed issues that were hiding in the dark. People aren’t necessarily coming in to talk about the trauma of wading through the waters as much as how the flood has taxed them beyond their abilities to keep their marriages, their families or their own selves afloat.

Substance abuse, sexual addictions, anxiety, depression, debt, angry¬†teens, codependency, memories of past traumas, intense marital arguments over the color of the paint (that are really about how one of you never really feels heard or respected)…you name it…the flood has exposed it. That is one of the gifts of the flood. For issues coming to the surface so that they can be addressed, I suppose we ought to be thankful, but while you’re in the midst of the muck, it’s really hard to see the silver lining.

The Flood Took Away.

Along with bringing some things to light, it also took away some things from us. It took away convenience. Security. Coping strategies. Jobs. Normalcy. A sense of home. The list goes on.

When things come to the light, it’s an immediate step towards health. It doesn’t feel good, but you’re better off for it. The next steps are crucial. Seeking the help of a professional counselor can be crucial in getting you from exposure of an issue or wound to walking through the healing process.

When things are taken away from us, we need to grieve them and seek to find a new sense of normalcy. It’s 6 months after¬†but for many the process of dealing with the unexpected and unwanted gifts of the flood is still in the beginning stages.

The best thing you can do after a tragedy is to connect with others. Connection is the antidote for a lot of the wounds of trauma. There is no reason you have to walk through this season alone.

If you think you may need some help talking through some of the issues mentioned in this post, please contact me. I have offices in Livingston Parish and Baton Rouge.

For those who are interested, here is a post I wrote about how I’m praying for those of us affected by the flood.

Why God Loves a Rowdy Girl

After ten years of practicing individual and marriage therapy, I have developed an affinity for a few types of clients. This is probably one of those things you’re not supposed to admit…kind of like how you’re not supposed to have a a favorite child. But the truth is, while I enjoy all of my clients I have some favorite types of clients. For instance, I love working with couples who truly love each other but just don’t know how to show it very well, or even at all (attachment issues). I love working with people dealing with anxiety and depression because there’s so much room for improvement. I love being a part of someone’s quest for freedom and life change! But my favorite type of client is what I will call the “rowdy girl.”

She loves God but thinks she’s too ______________ to be a “good Christian.” Too opinionated. Too loud. Too strong-willed. Too messed up. Too easily angered. Made too many mistakes. Too. Much. Everything.

Or so she thinks.

This woman typically presents in my office as someone who’s life “just isn’t working anymore.” Her love for her husband and/or kids may have grown cold. She may have just lost a significant relationship due to her mouthy ways. She’s typically pretty anxious and frustrated, and feels like she doesn’t “fit” in her own life. Lots of comparison between herself and all the women who seem to have it more together than she does.

I LOVE a woman like this. And God does, too. I believe he has a special place in his heart for rowdy women. And here’s why:

Typically, it’s a heart of justice that comes out of a rowdy woman. When something doesn’t feel right, she will say so! If someone needs defending, she is first in line! God made her to be boisterous and to lead out in what is right. Sure, there’s room for growth in terms of maturity, knowing which battles to pick and getting some tact, but God didn’t make a mistake by putting a lot of passion inside of a woman like this. What can sometimes be destructive and like “a bull in a china shop” can be directed to be a mighty force of love and protection and goodness for those around her.

There are a million ways to be a godly woman. Being meek and quiet is not the ONLY way. You are not the odd (wo)man out. You’re not bad at being a Christian. You just haven’t found your rhythm yet. The answer might lie in being MORE of you instead of trying to suppress your God-given personality and conforming to what you think you’re supposed to be. The body of Christ needs more women like you. You are non-judgmental. You are quick to offer grace. Quick to love. Quick to protect. Quick to speak truth. God made you a fighter. Let’s find the right things for you to fight FOR.

Come meet with me – we need to work some things out¬†so that what God meant for good in you isn’t overshadowed by your flesh. But let there be no mistake: there’s a way to be You¬†and bring so much glory to God.

Most of all, the reason I know God has a special place in his heart for rowdy women is that I am a (somedays formerly, somedays currently) rowdy woman! And I believe that God has a special place in his heart for me.

Let’s flesh this topic (or any other) out together at one of my offices in Denham Springs, Walker or Baton Rouge.

Finding Joy When You’re Bent Towards Dread

I’m normally a pretty joyful person without much effort. Sometimes, however, during¬†different seasons of my life, I find myself leaning towards the negative side. Like a moth to a flame, I find my brain scanning for things to be dreading. The ever-evolving¬†list of “what if’s”. Potential financial or health crises. Temporary increase in stress at work or home. During seasons of increased stress, worry or dread, these are the things my brain likes to scan for potential risks and obsess over. Right now I’m stuck on our taxes and my husband’s car. My concern may not make sense to anyone else, but when I’m in one of these moods, my brain will wear a topic out.¬†I know I’m not the only one who experiences times like this.

I’m intentionally not using the language of “anxiety” here because what I talking about¬†isn’t at that level of intensity or duration. This is more like the little cousin of anxiety. (I’ve struggled with anxiety in the past and most of my clients have heard that story at one point or another, but that’s not what I’m talking about today.) For the sake of this conversation, I’ll say a “period of dread” is to anxiety as “feeling down” is to depression. Everyone experiences this sometimes and it’s normal for it to come and go a few times a year, typically based on circumstances, hormones or maybe even the weather.

So if it’s a normal part of being human to have a few days where you’re seeing the glass half empty or waiting for the other shoe to drop, you have two choices: just roll with it and wait it out or figure out a way to push back on it.

I tend not to fall into the “wait it out” camp because I think doing so can turn into anxiety and/or prolong the season. So that leaves me with figuring out a way to push back on it. It requires some extra effort but I really find it to be worth it. Primarily I think it’s worth it because “worry” isn’t an attribute of Jesus, so it’s not a true attribute of who I am in Christ. And I believe it’s always worth it to clear my mind of things that aren’t naturally part of who I am in Christ.

The two things I find to be most helpful in the process of pushing back dread and finding joy are: 1) taking things to their natural conclusion and 2) and asking one clarifying question.

  1. Take things to their natural conclusion. What if that awful thing totally happened as bad as you’re imagining? Then what? How awful would it actually be? Would you survive it? Would the most important people in your life still love you? Would it change anything about your relationship with God?
  2. Clarifying Question: 5,000 years into eternity, will this matter? Will you even remember it? What about 50 years from now? What would yourself in 50 years say about this concern of yours?
    Bonus question: what does the thing you’re dreading/fixated on¬†mean about you? Generally speaking, things really only get to us if we interpret the circumstance as meaning something about us. If you can figure out how you’re letting this worry/concern mean something about you, you will be able to address it much more quickly and effectively. (Read this for more info on Making Meaning.)

For all of us out there who occasionally struggle with a sense of dread or worry, good news: you’re a totally normal human being. You’re not meant to be a superhuman, so you’re not missing the mark by experiencing these things.¬†This point isn’t the dread/stress/worry itself, but that the circumstance¬†provides an opportunity for growth if you make the effort to push back on it.

If you read this and think it sounds familiar but it’s a lot more complicated or severe for you, you may be more towards the moderate or severe end of anxiety. If that’s you, you may be interested in taking an online screening regarding anxiety. Additionally, I can be reached here for scheduling a therapy appointment. I utilize cognitive behavioral therapy which is has been¬†repeatedly shown to have the best results in treating anxiety and depression (or even dread, stress, worry and feeling low).

Don’t let anything stand in the way of the life of fullness and freedom that you desire. Joy awaits.