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Be Kind to Your Hurt Places

Be Kind to Your Hurt Places

I don’t know about you, but I have several situations, both in my personal life and my professional life, that are simply in the midst of hard times. They are situations that are not “good” yet. Healing hasn’t fully occurred (or even begun in some situations). The pain is still ongoing. Confusion is still abundant. People are still in the thick of it.

Part of my own work is to learn to be kind to my hurt places. It’s so tempting to want to rush to the resolution; to find the silver lining; to white knuckle ourselves into being on the other side of the pain.

The problem with that is, it’s not very honoring to our wounds when we suppress the negative emotions just to feel better. And what is more, I think we kid ourselves if we think our suppression of these emotions won’t crop up in some other unhealthy or maladaptive way in our life. Suppression always has a hidden cost.

Sometimes though, things are so bad that it’s not even possible to minimize the hurt.

For times like these, we need to sit in our hurt and honor the brokenness that is there. It takes a lot of courage and it can be very scary to feel that. But it’s the only way to true wholeness. While we don’t need to let emotions be our master, we have to listen to them for guidance. I’m not even sure that there are “negative” emotions as much as they are all just created equally, and we need to feel all of them in order to be whole. There are some emotions that are easier to feel that others, but all emotions were created by God, so they are all important for us to acknowledge and experience. We need to be ok with our humanity and part of that is learning how to accept being in process; not rushing past the “negative” to find the resolution.

I can’t get these two bible verses out of my mind. Part A (in bold below) of the verse is just as true and scriptural as Part B. While the whole verse represents the entirety of the truth that the author is trying to convey, it’s helpful to just pause before rushing to the end.

Psalm 34:19

A righteous man may have many troubles (but the Lord delivers him from them all).

Psalm 71:20

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter (you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up).

If you don’t take a pause to feel the weight of Part A, Part B just feels cheap, powerless and almost like a taunt to our pain. Part A can bring up more questions than answers and that makes it uncomfortable. But there is goodness in feeling what we perceive to be negative emotions. And taking the time to truly feel them is the pathway to healing.

A song called New Wine by Hillsong Worship feels like it’s ministering to my deep places today. I’m not even sure exactly how it dovetails, but it goes together in my soul with what I’m feeling. Maybe it’ll feel that way for you, too.

Make me a vessel.

Make me an offering.

Make me whatever you want me to be.

I came here with nothing, but all you have given me.

Jesus, bring new wine out of me.

If you are wrestling with your hurt places today, know I am there with you! And if you’d ever like to set up a time to come process what you’re going through, I can be contacted here.

Navigating Friendship

Navigating Friendship

“I’ve never had a best friend.”

This is a sentence that I hear quite often, from both men and women clients, strangers and people I know. It’s as if there’s a universal law that each person is supposed to have a “best friend” or even group of best friends. Who came up with that? And sometimes we think our spouse has to function as our best friend…but that’s a whole other blogpost!

It definitely seems like people think: if you don’t have a best friend, there’s something wrong with you, you’re missing out, and you’re doomed to loneliness and never quite fitting in.

I just think that’s a flat out lie.

Here are some truths to hold onto to combat that lie:

  • A LOT (and I mean a LOT) of people feel this way. If everybody got together who didn’t feel like they fit into a friend group, you’d have a really awesome friend group!
  • It’s a lot of pressure for yourself and your friends, to expect that you’ll have one “person.” Pro-tip: friendships usually don’t flourish under a lot of internal pressure. Open-handed is always the best approach to friendships.
  • It is a disservice to your friends when you thinking of them as not being your “ride or die” people. This is a comparison trap. It sounds like this, “Sure…I am friends with Caitlyn, but she’s better friends with Bianca than she is with me.” You’re not going to be everyone’s BFF but it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy friendship with a person just because they have other/closer friends. It’s not a race. It’s not a game. It’s not a popularity contest. Adult friendship is just about people supporting one another and having a blast while doing it.
  • Friendships change according to seasons of life, and that’s ok. Your friendships will look different from high school to college. From college to early career. If you have young kids. If you’re taking care of sick parents. If you’ve moved. Friendships will evolve and look different for different logistical reasons, but in those times of change, focus on the meaningfulness of connection and not the amount of time spent together.
  • People probably feel closer to you than you realize. For whatever reason, I find that people discount potential friends and just see them as peripheral acquaintances. Who in your life are you overlooking? Who could you engage with more? Invest in more? Open up to more?
  • Revive the long forgotten. Have you ever lost touch with someone? Someone you don’t work with anymore? Someone you used to go to church with? Someone you used to be close to in school? People generally really enjoy reviving a friendship that has just grown a little cold on accident or by circumstance. Don’t be too cool to reach out to someone who you used to really enjoy! You’re probably Facebook friends with them already, so just reengage (through some means of non-social media based contact).

You probably have more friends than you give yourself credit for.

I am a proponent of The Smorgasbord Approach. This viewpoint instantly opens up some freedom and grace. Ruth’s Chris is great. But you’re going to get the same basic meal there every time you go. We’ve got to move away from the mentality that every meal needs to be Ruth’s Chris, and if it’s not, there’s something wrong with it. Quality of food notwithstanding (sorry, Golden Corral), enjoying variety in options and portion sizes and cuisines is a great thing! Don’t expect to get everything you want or “need” socially from one person. Enjoy different things from different people and all your bases will get covered! And you’ll have a blast doing it! If you insist on comparing the steak from Golden Corral to Ruth’s Chris and you’ll be routinely disappointed. It’s all about shifting what you’re looking for.

How to be a better friend:

There’s a scripture verse in Romans that states “Be devoted to one another in love and outdo one another in showing honor,” and another in Philippians 2 that says “consider other’s needs more important than your own.”  It sounds like friendship mattered to the early church so it should be important to us. Let’s figure out some ways to up our friendship game!

What can you bring to the table? Friendship isn’t all about trading things, but I do think it’s true that you’ve got to be a good friend to have good friends. There’s also this whole idea of equity in friendship that I find interesting. You don’t want to be the person who always needs favors or is always handing out favors. Keeping the “score” even keeps the relationship flowing smoothly. (I’m currently listening to The Science of Likability on Audible where they talk about this concept and I’m learning a lot!)

Be a good and patient listener. Get off of your phone. Don’t interrupt. Seek to really understand. Don’t bring everything back to you or be a one-upper when you hear stories.

Positivity goes a long way. Everyone likes encouragement. Say the words face to face, don’t just like their posts on social media!

Actively assume the best. This is a real skill that can be learned which will pay big dividends in your friendships. When you actively spin a situation in a way that minimizes the occasional forgetfulness, unintentional disrespect, awkwardness, etc. of a person, you are adding a type of friendship WD-30. So brush up on your skills of being gracious and generous with peoples motives and intentions.

Be interested. If you ask specific, brief follow-up questions about something a person mentioned previously, you’re already setting yourself up as a great person to have around. Being interested keeps things interesting. So remember conversations and follow-up.

Initiate. If you want to be busy with friends, initiate time together and activities.

Alright…there you have it! Get to it!

And as always, I actually love helping others navigate their way to more meaningful connections with God, self and others. If connection with others is something you really want to see change in your life, feel free to contact me to set up a counseling session!

At the Intersection of Faith and Pain

At the Intersection of Faith and Pain

Wrestling with our Christian faith in the midst of chronic pain.

Most of my clients wouldn’t know this but I struggle with chronic pain several days of the month. I won’t get into the cause on this post but it’s been going on for about two years now. I wouldn’t classify it as “continuous” pain but it is regular and fairly predictable.

Perhaps you know this struggle as well.

I do everything I can to keep it from putting a damper on my personal life as well as my professional life but I am not always victorious. At its worst, I have to miss things: cancel sessions, get someone to watch our son if my husband is at work, miss church or social events, etc. Don’t worry… if you see me, I’m feeling fine enough. When it’s at its worst, I’m in bed.

We have tried several things to help reduce the pain level, most of which have not helped much. If this is beginning to sound depressing, it definitely is sometimes! But it is really important to me that I fight a good fight and not let my pain be the dominant characteristic in my life. My husband Chad and I have both had to do our own work of trying to reconcile my chronic pain with our faith in a healing God. And, just as importantly, our goal is not to just survive with pain, but to wrangle up some joy on the daily!

Maybe you know the struggle of chronic pain as well. But maybe you are more familiar with emotional pain of chronic anxiety, depression or loneliness? Maybe you (like Chad) have to watch someone you love struggle and there’s not much you can do about it? For someone with a Christian faith, this struggle can be made all the more complicated when you factor in knowledge of God’s ability to heal. Those waters can tend to get very murky, very quickly. And I think that’s ok. It’s just about what we do with that tension.

Whatever “brand” of struggle yours may be, here are some places I’ve landed in trying to grapple with my pain and my faith.

  1. Chronic pain is a fact about me (currently). It does not get to define my life. I have chronic pain. I also am married. I am a female. I am caucasian. I think I’m pretty funny. I like to cook. I don’t like cleaning my floors. Each of those facts mean something about me and set some perimeters in my life but they don’t give a full snap-shot of who I am. Losing sight of this central truth makes me chronic-pain “centric.” And there are so many better things to be at the center of my life than chronic-pain.
  2. My pain level is not the measure of my day. Have you ever thought, “I felt good today so it was a good day”? We have to fight against this because it’s a very easy trap to fall into. But the truth is that there are so many other choices to be the gauge of how each day is measured: obedience, provision, laughter, faithfulness, puppy snuggles, a very funny tv show that distracts you for a while. We have to be diligent to not be so reductionistic to say, “my pain was really low so it was a good day.” If we let it be as simple as “low pain = good day; high pain = bad day” then our eyes are fixed on ourselves alone. As Christians, we know there’s a better choice for us to fix our eyes on.
  3. How God answers your prayers for healing does not say anything about you. Or at least it doesn’t say what you think it says. I firmly believe that chronic pain is more of a result of the Fall than it is a result human choices. Sure…maybe your hard labor caused some degenerative disc issues. But still..that is rooted in the fall because hard work is not sinful, but deterioration of our bodies is the result of the Fall. Your issue may actually be the result of your choices (lifestyle issues, positive or negative…doesn’t matter really), but the toll it has taken on your body is largely a result of the Fall. What I mean by that is that when sin entered the world through Adam, destruction of our bodies came, too (and this has physical, emotional, mental implications). Before then, there was no deterioration. This is a MUCH bigger issue than your sin or your choices and this issue manifests itself in a myriad of different ways. I throw disease and illness in this same category (and flooding and hurricanes, if anybody is wondering). The world is broken by sin, so bad things happen. And they don’t really mean anything about us. So the same is true for our rescue from the physical manifestations of the Fall. If it didn’t mean anything about us that we received this illness, then it doesn’t mean anything about us if the healing comes. It would be awesome if healing comes. But it isn’t personal if it doesn’t. And it’s not personal if it does. It wouldn’t be about your good deeds or track record if you get healed; how much potential you have or how much God likes you.
    It just means something about God. It’s God’s choice how he wants your healing story to go. And he alone gets to make that call of when your healing is manifested. It’s not personal. It’s just the Fall.

I don’t know the rules about who gets ailments or who gets healed. Honestly, it looks pretty haphazard to me. There is no magic formula that I’ve ever been able to pick out. But I’ll tell you this: at our house, we ask for healing anyway.

What’s true is that our struggles aren’t meant to define us or take the central seat in our life. And God’s (apparent) response to our struggles isn’t a good indicator of his awareness of our pain.

I love this poem by Walt Whitman which ends with this thoughtful line:

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

I, for one, don’t want my “verse” to be, “Pain overtook my life.” But rather, “I found joy and meaning and purpose in the midst of the lot that I was given.”

If you or someone you love struggles with a chronic issue, you can contact me here to set up a time to come in and talk about it.

Counseling offices in Walker, Louisiana and Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

Photo credit goes to Brigitte Tohm.

Rain, Rain Go Away!

Rain, Rain Go Away!

What to do if the past year feels too present.

A year has passed since the Baton Rouge area was devastated by flooding. In many ways, it seems like a lifetime ago and in others it seems like last week. Now, with many in the area having connections to loved ones in Houston and watching that area go through what we are all familiar with, emotions are running high for some of us. And today…even though Pat Shingleton says we will only have 3-6 inches of rain between now and Saturday, some of us are still a little on edge. I know I am!

It’s all a little too familiar. A little too close to home. Area men are loading up their boats and heading over. We are gathering supplies. We are doling out mold remediation advice. This is not something we want to be pros at. And yet we are.

If you’re feeling anxious or depressed (or both) today, you are not alone. If your coping strategies have given out on you (again), you are not the only one. Recently the Advocate posted this article about the ongoing mental health crisis in Louisiana as a result of the flood. So many are still actively needing support. Whatever was hard in your life before the flood got even harder after. Whatever happened this year that would have been hard anyway felt about 100x harder just because of the ongoing stress of the flood. I get it. I’ve lived it, too.

I evacuated from a block on St. Charles in New Orleans for Katrina and relocated to Baton Rouge (sorry for being part of the traffic problem in 2005!). Our home in Denham had 4.5 feet of water in it last year. My parents home in Walker flooded. And my brother’s house flooded last night in Houston. I know we’re not handing out prizes…but I get it, y’all.

The rules for staying stable remain in effect.

  • Deal with your own stuff first, then move on to “other” care.
    • This goes for physical issues as well as emotional.
    • If you’re not in a solid enough place, helping with others can be risky. Airplane rules apply here: put on your own oxygen mask before trying to help others put on theirs, or else no one will have what they need to keep going.
    • Engage in self-care. This doesn’t just mean getting a pedicure, although I’m sure no one will complain about that! Find some quiet space for yourself. Turn your phone off. Unplug. Do what fills your soul.
    • Mind your self-medicating choices (drinking, shopping, over-eating, binge watching TV, etc. etc.). These could get really dysfunctional, really quickly.
  • Be patient with those around you.
    • Tensions are still high (especially when it’s raining…rain is a trigger).
    • People are doing their best. We need the most connection and support when we are behave the worst.
    • Lead with empathy. Make molehills out of mountains instead of vice versa.
  • Stay connected with those who care about you.
    • People who are involved in the same mess you are and those on the outside. Sometimes it’s just good to talk about the Real Housewives of Dallas.
    • This includes God. Even when you’re mad and questioning why this keeps happening…he can take it.
    • Don’t isolate, even if you want to. If you already have, start back in with the person who you think will be happiest to see you and fix you supper.
  • Get outside support if necessary.
    • If you’re thinking, “wow…that was a tough year…I wonder if I should talk about it with someone?” Or, “I just feel like I should be doing better by now.” Or, “I do better for a while but every time it rains hard I get anxious.” Or something else along those lines…YES. Come in.
    • If you feel forgotten, worn out, over extended, pushed aside, in over your head…come in. We can’t make the flood go away, but we an redistribute some of the weight. There are no trophies for agonizingly slowly pulling yourself up by your water-logged boot straps.
    • The best thing I personally did this year to help me process our family’s flood experience was that I received some therapy called EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s really perfect for PTSD type issues, which this flood totally was for so many of us. I went from getting that sense of dread washing over me every time I thought about what we had endured to the automatic thought of “wow…I’ve really overcome some tough stuff!” and feeling proud of myself when I think about our flood story.
    • Here’s a link if you’re interested in learning more about EMDR. I completed my basic training in EMDR and my clients have been loving the process. It is very effective on a myriad of issues and I’ll write more about it on a later (dryer) date. But if you research it a bit and feel like it could be helpful to you, give me a call. I have offices in Baton Rouge and Walker and I’d be glad to talk with you!

I am praying for our community today and for what’s happening in Houston. Being a human is hard! We are fragile creatures and we need each other so much. May God be merciful.

A Sexy Series

Let’s Talk About Sex
Here’s what you need to know: I talk about sex quite a lot.
In counseling, sex is something clients want to address more often than not. Why? Because people have so many quirks and questions about physical intimacy that need to be addressed, and counseling is a great place to process and find solutions!
I really value sex and its role in relationships. In fact, I can give you quite a good case on how highly God values sex. He created it, after all, and it’s not exclusively for procreation either. (Example: the clitoris. Praise God for his creative care of us. Go ahead and give God a high five and a wink.)
If you’ve got a sex question or issue, we can trouble shoot it together.
Here are some aspects of sex that I regularly discuss with clients:
  • Negotiating sex (the what, when, where, why & how).
  • Making sex a priority in your marriage.
  • What to do with mis-matched sexual interests or levels of desire.
  • Establishing a healthy and biblical theology of sex.
  • Getting the “shame” and “should” out of your sex life.
  • How you can desire sex more.
  • Why it’s always a good time to have sex.
  • Jump starting a flat-lined libido.
  • Processing through negative associations you’ve made regarding sex.
  • Sexual trauma.
  • Sex after menopause.
  • Sex after pregnancy.
  • Body image issues reducing sexual interest.
  • Male and female sexual dysfunction.
  • Reasons you should say “no” to sex (short list).
  • Reasons you should say “yes” to sex (looooooong list).
  • Establishing healthy sexual boundaries.
Over the next few weeks, we will unpack a few of these topics. If you’d like to request a certain topic be covered, feel free to email me here!
If any of this sounds like something you are working through, I’d be glad to set up a time to figure out some solutions. After all, if the sexual component of your relationship is going strong, it brings a lot of positivity to the rest of your relationship.
Daytime and evening counseling sessions are available in Walker, Louisiana and 2 locations in Baton Rouge.

The Ongoing Gifts of the Flood of 2016

The flood gave and the flood took away.

Are you currently rebuilding your house? So many of us in the greater Baton Rouge area (my family included) are still waist deep in the process of rebuilding our flooded homes. We’re now six months post-flood…which in some ways seems like a lifetime ago but some aspects will always seem like they happened yesterday.

The Flood Gave.

At Spring Life Counseling, LLC I am still seeing a big influx of clients for whom the flood was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The flood waters either exacerbated pre-existing issues beyond people’s ability to cope, or it exposed issues that were hiding in the dark. People aren’t necessarily coming in to talk about the trauma of wading through the waters as much as how the flood has taxed them beyond their abilities to keep their marriages, their families or their own selves afloat.

Substance abuse, sexual addictions, anxiety, depression, debt, angry teens, codependency, memories of past traumas, intense marital arguments over the color of the paint (that are really about how one of you never really feels heard or respected)…you name it…the flood has exposed it. That is one of the gifts of the flood. For issues coming to the surface so that they can be addressed, I suppose we ought to be thankful, but while you’re in the midst of the muck, it’s really hard to see the silver lining.

The Flood Took Away.

Along with bringing some things to light, it also took away some things from us. It took away convenience. Security. Coping strategies. Jobs. Normalcy. A sense of home. The list goes on.

When things come to the light, it’s an immediate step towards health. It doesn’t feel good, but you’re better off for it. The next steps are crucial. Seeking the help of a professional counselor can be crucial in getting you from exposure of an issue or wound to walking through the healing process.

When things are taken away from us, we need to grieve them and seek to find a new sense of normalcy. It’s 6 months after but for many the process of dealing with the unexpected and unwanted gifts of the flood is still in the beginning stages.

The best thing you can do after a tragedy is to connect with others. Connection is the antidote for a lot of the wounds of trauma. There is no reason you have to walk through this season alone.

If you think you may need some help talking through some of the issues mentioned in this post, please contact me. I have offices in Livingston Parish and Baton Rouge.

For those who are interested, here is a post I wrote about how I’m praying for those of us affected by the flood.

The Great Flood of 2016: How We Get Through This

meadowlark

In the last few weeks, so much of what makes our lives “normal” in the greater Baton Rouge area has been smashed to a million tiny pieces. Everything…and I mean everything…has changed. Everything is hard. Nothing is right. It has stretched us beyond what most of us thought we could endure. This entire region has experienced a trauma the likes of which few have ever lived through.

Yet here we are. Here you sit using your phone, tablet or computer, reading this blog. Many of us have survived a reality that made our worst nightmares seem like a walk in the park. Yet here we are.

I began my therapy career in 2006 with a counseling practice called Counseling Services of New Orleans, Inc. My first clients to ever counsel were in the throes of “post-Katrina syndrome.” I, myself, had evacuated the rent house I shared with fellow graduate students off of Carondelet in the beautiful Garden District in NOLA. It was over a month before I was able to return home to see what few possessions I still had to my name. The next few years I spent burning up I-10, driving back and forth from Baton Rouge to New Orleans, finishing my masters program and seeing clients. Walking with people through the same trauma I experienced.

And here I am again.

Flooded. Broken. Mending. Seeking to offer empathy and to be a support for a painful situation that I feel oddly equipped to handle.

Since experience is the best teacher, here are some things I’ve learned from losing everything (twice) and through helping others walk through this process.

Time markers and clarity. For those of us who were around for Katrina, we have this simple way of categorizing our lives: before and after Katrina. There are very few events in life that drop such a big time marker down in the middle of your life like that. People may use that type of language after the death of an extremely close loved one, like a child or spouse, or if they came to faith late in life.  Now, we all will have this new time marker: pre and post flood.  The thing about these time markers is that they bring a lot of clarity. Not only does it order our lives chronologically, it also tends to clarify our priorities. Let this flood help you see your life through a simpler, clearer lens than ever before. Take it for the clean slate that it is meant to be.

Same problems, different day. If you were having difficulties in your marriage prior to the flood, you may have experienced a brief cooling of the tensions but that’s probably worn off by now and you’re arguing at levels that are bigger and worse than before. Whatever limits you’d run into with your parenting abilities before the flood, those are heightened now. Substance abuse problem that you were trying to “handle” before? The cat’s out of the bag now. Were you easily angered before? Angry at God before all this went down? Money management issues? Watch out, friend! Everything that was an issue before…let’s just say that the flood waters were flammable and the stress of this situation will light your issues on fire. You might have been “getting by” with some of these issues for a while, but by this point you’ve exceeded your capacity to handle it on your own. Come get some help. Let the flood be used to bring health and freedom into your life. Contact me because I’d love to walk with you through what is holding you back from the life you’ve always wanted.

New trauma brings up old trauma. When you experience a new trauma (for instance, having to be rescued by the Cajun Navy and taken to a make-shift shelter), you are often able to access other trauma memories that you typically attempt to not think about much. If your memories all live in the same building, trauma all lives on the same hallway. Once you’re in the hallway, you can typically access the other rooms as well, even if it’s difficult to do so on a regular day. So after Katrina, I’d meet with people who had experienced the hurricane and then remembered old sexual abuse from childhood. If you’re experiencing something like this, it’s totally normal and how your brain is designed to work, but you shouldn’t have to walk through that alone. I’d love to help.

Self-care. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, “This is a marathon, not a sprint.” In a sprint, you just put your head down and do the thing. A marathon requires more strategy and refueling along the way. If you haven’t experienced this reality already, you will soon: you can’t just rebuild 24/7. There are set-backs, waiting periods, back orders, yes. But even if those frustrations weren’t in play, the process of rebuilding your home is so emotionally taxing that you must focus on self-care intermittently, or you will lose it. Lose your pleasant personality. Lose your cool. Lose your grip on what’s most important. Everything. We have to force ourselves to take time off from rebuilding every so often or else you won’t have what it takes to finish strong…in whatever way you’d define that. Even if your home didn’t flood, you need to take breaks in helping others, too. We all need to take care of ourselves so that we can take care of our kids, our spouses, our parents, our neighbors. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t take care of anyone else for very long. A few months ago I wrote blogs on grieving well here and here. We are all grieving right now. Make sure you’re doing your best to process it well instead of numb the pain or suppress it. Also, if you just need a reminder of why and how to fight for joy, check out this old post as well.

Connection. Listen up because this is very important. The research indicates that the best way to battle the despair of a tragedy and to combat traumatic stress (post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD) is to refuse to go through the aftermath alone. Share your stories of how you got out of your house. Share the logistics and the emotions. Share your frustrations. Share your fears. Share the stuff that makes you wonder if you’re “crazy” to think. Share what’s keeping you up at night. Find someone you trust and force yourself to share. It is a safeguard to you emotionally and it is a safeguard to them as well. People need to know that they aren’t alone. People need to know that they are needed. If your home didn’t flood, don’t be afraid to ask questions and follow up when you’re able. Become awesome at listening with empathy. By sharing our stories, we connect in a real and tangible way, and do ourselves and each other a world of good for our bodies, minds and souls.

If you’re having a difficult time feeling like you’re managing your life following the flood, I’d really love to meet with you. I’ve been “here” before and I want to help see you through to the other side of this crisis. My Walker and Denham Springs offices have both flooded, but I have a new office on Old Hammond and I still have my mid-city office off Government Street. I’m offering a discount to those who have been directly impacted by the flooding, and I am still in-network with Blue Cross and Blue Shield insurance. In terms of reaching out for help, the sooner you do, the better. Don’t wait to get the support you need. Lots of people are having reactions that would be considered “abnormal” in our pre-flood world. But we’re all just responding the best we can to a totally abnormal situation. It’s ok not to be ok, but you don’t have to be there alone.
PHOTO CREDIT: Kimberly Meadowlark, Meadowlark Artistry: Faces of the Floodwater Collection.

Why God Loves a Rowdy Girl

After ten years of practicing individual and marriage therapy, I have developed an affinity for a few types of clients. This is probably one of those things you’re not supposed to admit…kind of like how you’re not supposed to have a a favorite child. But the truth is, while I enjoy all of my clients I have some favorite types of clients. For instance, I love working with couples who truly love each other but just don’t know how to show it very well, or even at all (attachment issues). I love working with people dealing with anxiety and depression because there’s so much room for improvement. I love being a part of someone’s quest for freedom and life change! But my favorite type of client is what I will call the “rowdy girl.”

She loves God but thinks she’s too ______________ to be a “good Christian.” Too opinionated. Too loud. Too strong-willed. Too messed up. Too easily angered. Made too many mistakes. Too. Much. Everything.

Or so she thinks.

This woman typically presents in my office as someone who’s life “just isn’t working anymore.” Her love for her husband and/or kids may have grown cold. She may have just lost a significant relationship due to her mouthy ways. She’s typically pretty anxious and frustrated, and feels like she doesn’t “fit” in her own life. Lots of comparison between herself and all the women who seem to have it more together than she does.

I LOVE a woman like this. And God does, too. I believe he has a special place in his heart for rowdy women. And here’s why:

Typically, it’s a heart of justice that comes out of a rowdy woman. When something doesn’t feel right, she will say so! If someone needs defending, she is first in line! God made her to be boisterous and to lead out in what is right. Sure, there’s room for growth in terms of maturity, knowing which battles to pick and getting some tact, but God didn’t make a mistake by putting a lot of passion inside of a woman like this. What can sometimes be destructive and like “a bull in a china shop” can be directed to be a mighty force of love and protection and goodness for those around her.

There are a million ways to be a godly woman. Being meek and quiet is not the ONLY way. You are not the odd (wo)man out. You’re not bad at being a Christian. You just haven’t found your rhythm yet. The answer might lie in being MORE of you instead of trying to suppress your God-given personality and conforming to what you think you’re supposed to be. The body of Christ needs more women like you. You are non-judgmental. You are quick to offer grace. Quick to love. Quick to protect. Quick to speak truth. God made you a fighter. Let’s find the right things for you to fight FOR.

Come meet with me – we need to work some things out so that what God meant for good in you isn’t overshadowed by your flesh. But let there be no mistake: there’s a way to be You and bring so much glory to God.

Most of all, the reason I know God has a special place in his heart for rowdy women is that I am a (somedays formerly, somedays currently) rowdy woman! And I believe that God has a special place in his heart for me.

Let’s flesh this topic (or any other) out together at one of my offices in Denham Springs, Walker or Baton Rouge.

What Mariah Carey, Superheroes and Robots Didn’t Teach Us About Emotions

One of my favorite artists growing up was Mariah Carey (obviously). I thought I could sing just like her. (I couldn’t.) I wore her tapes out! Her second album…I would wail along to the title track in my bedroom, assured that I was matching her note for note. (I wasn’t.) Emotions: they sounded so awesome, to hear Mariah tell it. Energizing, empowering and eclipsing.

In reality, I’ve found emotions pretty daunting most of my life and am still in process of becoming a more integrated person as far as they are concerned.

Here are a few lessons on emotions that I’ve been reflecting on lately:

All of our emotions are created by God. If they weren’t, we wouldn’t have them…they wouldn’t exist.
Therefore, there must be a way that each emotion can be experienced in a healthy and full way. The problem isn’t the existence of emotions. Problems arise when emotions are made too big or too little in our lives.

We don’t get to pick which emotions are felt when. If you’ve been taught how (and this is something we could discuss in counseling) you can “name it and claim it” and experience some diffusion of the emotion, but that’s about it in terms of emotional control. Unfortunately, we are not super humans, able to call each emotion into reality that we desire to experience…leaping over dark and ominous emotions in a single bound. We are just regular humans…a condition more frail than most of us had hoped for.

Our emotions arise within us as we go through life. (And aren’t we glad they do?! Because this process can be very helpful to guide and inform us if we let it. And it means we aren’t robots.) If you believe that you have the ability to control your emotions, this means you’re especially skilled at utilizing minimization, suppression, or intellectualism in an attempt to dress the emotion up or cram it into a closet in the back of your heart/mind. Rest assured…it will find its way out. I can be pretty awesome at those things and I’m trying to grow in this area, too. I’ve written more on this topic here.

Some people are scared by big positive emotions. These folks typically been overwhelmed by negative emotions in the past, and wish to avoid that happening again, so they squash the good stuff, like excitement, joy, love and hope.
Other people go the more classic route of attempting to squash negative emotions like disappointment, hurt, rejection or vulnerability. The motivation is the same: self-protection. To this end, we attempt to insulate ourselves. We try to convince ourselves that we don’t really want something, we try to cut disappointment off at the pass by disengaging from hope first, we try to see negative emotions coming from miles off and create a path around them. We think this is doing ourselves a favor and we high-five ourselves for being so wise. But the problem with self-protection is that in order to diminish your capacity to hurt, you also diminish your capacity to experience the best that life has to offer.

It’s honestly so hard being a human. It’s such a vulnerable condition. So much risk. So much potential hurt. And as it turns out, we are just regular humans. Not super humans, as we had hoped.

Here’s a teeny bit of good news. No healthy way exists to protect ourselves form negative emotions. But there are some perks to being “just a human.”

There’s a verse in the Old Testament of the Bible that states, “For he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are from dust” (Psalm 103:14). This statement harkens back to the creation story when God created Adam out of the clay of the earth and breathed life into him. How beautiful it is to remember that God knows how frail and basic it is to be a human. We weren’t created to be gods, angles, superheroes or robots. We were created to be humans…from dust. And God knows that means we will need a lot of help.

So even in the midst of wanting to self-protect and shove our emotions down so we aren’t so vulnerable and at risk, there comes some assurance in the knowledge that part of being a human is to live with the full scope of human emotion: positive and negative. As we learn to navigate our way through this reality, we have the help of the creator of humans and the creator of emotions, So we don’t need to learn to control our emotions so much as experience them fully and to remember, like God does, that we are all from dust anyway. We can take it easy on ourselves and have proper expectations. Not superhero expectations.

You can borrow this line from my self-talk, “It’s ok…I’m just a regular human…not a super human. My emotions don’t always fall in line the way that I want. But it’s ok. I can stay engaged and not self-protect even without knowing the outcome because I’ve faced big emotions in the past and survived. It’s all just part of being a human.”

I’m not Mariah Carey. I’m not a robot. I’m just a human.

We are all “from dust,” but that reality points us back to the Creator, who is not from dust, and he can be trusted with our frail and vulnerable lives.

A Christian Response to The Tragedies of Summer 2016

After a summer of senseless shootings, gorillas and gators killing kids in safe spaces, and discovering all around depressing and horrific news every time I open my Facebook app, I feel like I can’t post another blog until I tackle this question: how should we respond when awful stuff happens to someone else?

In the Christian community, we occassionally get things really right in the face of tragedy. We shine especially well in the face of natural disasters. But when things get a little more politically or emotionally charged, we have a tendency to get…a little weird, at best or damaging, at worst. Whether the tragedy or loss is large scale (like the Pulse Night Club shootings in Orlando) or small scale (like your neighbor’s mom being diagnoses with a disease), we can often respond in a way that does more harm than good, despite our intentions.

Well meaning people use platitudes like “everything happens for a reason” or even “I’ll pray for you,” as a defense mechanism, so they don’t have to wrestle with the wretchedness of a given circumstance. The goal here is to lessen the blow, and I understand the desire to want to do that, but I submit that feeling the weight of the tragedy is exactly what we all need to do. There is purpose to the weight, and healing comes through letting the weight rest on us and not discarding or minimizing it in any way, or through any shallow platitude.

If there is a reason to be had as to why awful things happen, it is this: the world in its current state is not as God originally intended. The reason that bad things happen is that the world is broken, and has been broken since Adam exercised his free will and out of his fear and mistrust, acted outside of God’s plan for the world.
Sin and death entered the world and brought with them things like hurricanes, cancer, hate crimes and apathy.
This is not what was intended, and as a Christian, I believe this is not what WILL be. But it’s where we’re at today.

Christians that respond to these tragedies with platitudes of “God has a plan” or “I’ll pray for you” miss the point entirely. Statements like that come across as aloof, disconnected, irrelevant and uncaring…the opposite of God’s response to pain and suffering. God has never been anything but with us and present in times of tragedy. He rejoices with those who rejoice and mourns with those who mourn, and what is more, knows when to engage in each option perfectly as each person and circumstance merits.

When Christ returns…whenever that may be, He will make things right once again and for good. He will restore beauty from ashes and undo the consequences of the wrong that we have done and what has been done to us. He will bring justice and healing and true and lasting peace. Both externally (nature) and internally (even emotions and strife, I believe). That is the ultimate hope of Christianity.

But let’s be real…who knows when that will be?

The hope of Christianity NOW is for all people, but especially Christians, to lead the charge of this redemptive work of “making the fullness of God be reflected on earth as it is in heaven.” Hate crimes are not God’s fullness. People feeling afraid to live their lives is not God’s fullness. Tornadoes are not God’s fullness. The part of us that rises up and says, “This is not how things should be, I want to help,” is a reflection of the image of God inside of ALL of us.

Treating everyone with the respect and compassion that is due each human being is a foreshadowing of what is to come. When we do this, we are engaged in the work of making things on earth as they are in heaven. Not judging moms for accidents is a foreshadowing. Fighting for everyone to feel safe is a foreshadowing. Making sure every child has a loving home is a foreshadowing. I could go on and on and on. Here’s an outside of the box example of Christians being compassionate and protective. Most of us have opportunity to do something much simpler than this, but just wanted to give it as an example of something kind!

The bottom line for me is this: most of the things that are a foreshadowing of Jesus returning and everything being made right involve action and using your voice, and not prayer alone. The point of truly joining in the loss as best we can and feeling all that is shaken within us when tragedy strikes is that once we can identify with the loss, the “wrongness” of it points us back to the need for Jesus, and Jesus points us on to joining him in restoration work.

Those who are directly involved in these tragedies may be thankful for your prayers, but would also appreciate your voice and action to fight injustice. This could look a thousand different ways, but it’s each person’s responsibility to figure out what that looks like for them and then to do it. Christian’s have done so much to damage our own reputation by how we deal with wrong doing in the world. Let’s refuse to meet tragedy and injustice with empty statements that reveal our own discomfort and diminish the weight of the grief of loss. Rather, let’s be brave and use our words and deeds to work towards the restorative process in making all things new, as it once was and it will be again one day.

If these tragedies, or any element of loss, grief, injustice or the like is something you’d like to process in therapy, please contact me. We are all in this together.