What To Do When Your Marriage is Headed for Divorce.
What to do when your marriage is headed for divorce.
This is a hard one. I’m writing this not because it’s a fun topic that will make everybody happy. I’m writing this because sometimes people need really practical steps when everything feels like it’s crumbling right in front of you.
Life goes on while life is falling apart.
If you find yourself in a marital crisis, you’re going to need some practical guidance.
No single thing is going to fix everything. (And I realize a blog surely isn’t going to be the thing that does the trick.) The path forward always requires both wisdom and creativity. I want to offer a few practical things to consider when you’re at the end of your rope with your marriage.
I’m sorry you’re here. This is so hard. I hope this helps even a little.
Practical steps for when you’re on the brink of divorce:
Pump the brakes.
Slow down the pace. Quit talking it to death. You don’t need to do anything quickly.
Almost every situation could benefit from slowing things down. Divorce and separation talk can tend to function like a runaway train. You’re not even sure where it’s going but it’s headed there in a hurry.
People get triggered. Feelings get hurt and defenses go up. As a result, you can end up somewhere that neither of you really intended to go.
Both you and your partner deserve to have this moment of discernment when you’re coming from calm minds and hearts, as much as possible.
Trust me on this: Pump. The. Brakes.
Don’t add to the fire.
You don’t need another hard conversation right now. Not another fight. Not another standoff.
You’re two people who used to easily get along. Just shoot for being polite right now. Or even kind, if you can muster it.
Whether you’re the one leaning out more or your partner is- both of you are hurting. And baseline of civility is what you’d offer to anyone going through a hard time.
Try softer.
Honestly, you’ve probably tried just about everything. But maybe try being softer and gentler than you’ve been in a while. With your partner. With yourself.
Tap into your gentler way and set your defenses aside for a bit. They’ll be there when you need them.
Find a shortcoming you can own, shifting the conversation away from blame.
Humility can function like WD-40 in situations like these.
Decide where you are. An honest evaluation of where you are will light up your next steps in the process. So which are you?
A) You’re both done and it’s dead in the water. This is a specific case with a specific path forward with the goal of ending things like mature adults and starting this next phase with health and clarity.
B) You’re more done than your partner is. Their attempts to reconcile feel akin to an itchy wool sweater. This is an entirely different path forward.
C) Your partner is more done than you are. And you are fearful that your relationship’s dysfunction has long exceeded the relationship’s skill level. You’re too worn out to feel very hopeful.
It’s not always a good time to make a decision.
Is one of you recovering from an illness or surgery? Has someone recently lost a job or a family member? Are you dealing with someone who struggles with addiction? Is someone in the home managing symptoms of depression? Any number of reasons exist that may make this moment one where you don’t have a clear picture to judge your future by. If that’s the case, make a “temporary shelter” of sorts until you have enough information to make the call.
“Wait and see” is not a fun place to be. But it’s better than pulling the trigger while you both at your worst and later wishing you had given it more time.
Take it a step at a time.
You’re not going to have all of the steps for this journey right when you start out.
You may not even know which destination you want, or what is even achievable at this point.
Each step will light up the next right move.
Just keep doing what feels like the next right thing.
Slowly but surely, once you get further into a path, you will have more of a sense of the whole map.
Be mindful of your thoughts.
This isn’t a super fun point (...is any of it?) but it is worth stating: Now is the moment for self-discipline in your thoughts.
Make sure you don’t get ahead of reality in your thoughts and daydreams.
It’s not the time to let your mind wander off and imagine your life with someone more ideal.
There is a way for daydreaming to be really helpful and effective in imagining the life you are working towards.
But there’s also a way for daydreaming to be really destructive and not grounded in reality.
Don’t be first in line to talk negatively to yourself.
(I’ve written more on this topic here.)
Don’t review the footage of your worst moments.
Just focus on being in the here and now.
Pick some support people.
Ideally your support people will be those that you both can agree on welcoming into the circle. It’s a delicate thing to bring others in on your marital trauma.
If you’ve been walking this out alone, this will feel like uncharted territory for you. But trust me when I say that everything gets easier to shoulder when you split the load.
These folks need to be people you respect, who can pray for you, support you, and listen to you. They don’t need to have all the answers (and it’s better if they just steer clear from advice giving anyway).
Use these folks to keep you grounded, keep you busy, keep you growing, and keep you from saying nutty things to your partner that you may regret later.
Self-care like your sanity depends on it…because it does.
Get some sleep. (See your doctor about sleep support if necessary.)
Move your body: dance, walk, yoga, lift, whatever. Just move.
Learn to meditate.
Get a journal.
Pick up some breathing techniques.
Fill your body with good and healthy food and beverages.
These things will keep you grounded. Hang out on this step for as long as you need. Until you feel like you can catch your breath.
Craft your professional team.
Each situation requires a specific team of professionals.
Start with the basics:
Get a therapist (individual and/or couples).
Get a consult for meds.
Once that’s in place, any next steps will be determined by which category you’d place the relationship in. (See item #3 above.)
Sometimes people need attorneys. Others need mediation.
A divorce coach is also a great investment.
You might also need a realtor. An accountant. Who knows.
There are a lot of options for your professional support team. Keep an open mind and meet with anyone who seems like a good fit.
I’m sorry that you’re in such a difficult place in your relationship. No matter what the outcome will be, it won’t always feel this hard. You’re doing a great job at a very hard thing. I’m in your corner, and I’m here if you need me.